Fighting the Darkness: My Secret Battle with Depression
Blaming myself is something that I massively suffer with... even if the other person is 110% in the wrong, I will usually end up either apologising or convincing myself that I am the one thats in the wrong!
Why? Why in my world do I view myself as always on the wrong side of the fence?! Surely it should be the other way round... we create our thoughts and yet still the thoughts I create are still me in the wrong.
There is definately a lose wire and something that is short circuiting in my brain.
But from reading the above blog there is hope!
I know that on good days (today is a mediocre day) I am being rediculous but not every day is a good day and when I am feeling down just the mere mention of my name strikes fear that I have done something wrong.
I did try CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) which I will tell you all about in another post, but the reason I mention it now is that this highlighted the glitch that I have in my brain... the fact that it gets stuck in a rut and keeps going round and round and round... one bad thought feeding off the next sad thought created by the first bad thought that leads to more depressed thoughts, you get the picture. it just keeps going round and round and round and its the same with feeling that I am always in the wrong. I have a self destructive personality so the fact that I have done things wrong only feeds these thoughts of constantly being in the wrong.
Its just how to fix the broken circuit or be able to get off the not so merry, merry-go-round that is my brain!!
I very much identify with having a self-destructive personality. I occasionally wonder if some people are born with a natural instinct to implode; I can't remember a time when I wasn't pursuing some form of self-destructive behaviour. I'm interested to read your views on CBT; it really didn't work for me.
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