The Drugs Don't Work

I have tried most anti-depressants, both legal and illegal, some I remember, some are just a dizzy purple haze of a memory and unfortunately I cant remember which results came from which drugs.
I have been taking anti-D's since I was about 15 which is pretty rediculous. I remember the doctor being pretty pill happy and prescribing me week after week 'happy pills' as they became named in our house. Never once did the doctor really try and find out what was at the heart of the problem, if the drugs didnt work he would just prescribe more, if they didnt work, he'd just prescribe different ones.
Most however worked for a time but then platooed out so that they stopped having an effect, some spaced me out so much that my friends thought I had started taking heroin and others just knocked me out completely so I slept for about 12hours... non really had the effect of keeping me happy!

                                          

It wasnt until I came to leave rehab (after trying and almost suceeding at taking my life), that I was told that I didnt need the drugs because I wasnt depressed that it was just a reaction to the things that had happened to me. Which has always left me a little puzzled as to what is actually wrong with me... if I am not depressed then why cant I cope when things go wrong, why cant I just pick myself up and carry on if someone hurts or upsets me? Why do I then do something so stupid to hurt myself further...?

Blank Page

I am struggling to write this week. I have already re-read and re-written that 1st sentence 5 times!

Fighting the Darkness: My Secret Battle with Depression: Progress

Fighting the Darkness: My Secret Battle with Depression: Progress

Whose fault is it anyway?

While starting this blog I have had a slight peruse around other similar blogs and came across this post:
Fighting the Darkness: My Secret Battle with Depression 
Blaming myself is something that I massively suffer with... even if the other person is 110% in the wrong, I will usually end up either apologising or convincing myself that I am the one thats in the wrong!
Why? Why in my world do I view myself as always on the wrong side of the fence?! Surely it should be the other way round... we create our thoughts and yet still the thoughts I create are still me in the wrong.
There is definately a lose wire and something that is short circuiting in my brain.

But from reading the above blog there is hope!

I know that on good days (today is a mediocre day) I am being rediculous but not every day is a good day and when I am feeling down just the mere mention of my name strikes fear that I have done something wrong.

I did try CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) which I will tell you all about in another post, but the reason I mention it now is that this highlighted the glitch that I have in my brain... the fact that it gets stuck in a rut and keeps going round and round and round... one bad thought feeding off the next sad thought created by the first bad thought that leads to more depressed thoughts, you get the picture. it just keeps going round and round and round and its the same with feeling that I am always in the wrong. I have a self destructive personality so the fact that I have done things wrong only feeds these thoughts of constantly being in the wrong.

Its just how to fix the broken circuit or be able to get off the not so merry, merry-go-round that is my brain!!

Honest am not crazy!

I suffer from depression... There I said it!

If you just read that you're probably thinking woeee crazy girl!! I am not crazy (at least I dont think I am) I am not even sure if I suffer from depression?! No-one has ever really been able to give me a definitive answer on that one... All I know is that its a pretty lonely place sometimes which, is why I am writing it down in this blog.



Why feel alone when they are everywhere?



Maybe writing will help make sense of my world or maybe it will just confuse me more! Or perhaps I am just being slightly self indulgent but as I have always been told writing should help and maybe someone out there can relate or maybe even my experiences can help someone else, I dont know. 
Either way crazy or not crazy it feels good to be writing again!!